I Lost My Voice

As I sat down to write today I thought I would first check when I last published a blog post, the answer is July. It doesn’t feel like it was July, it feels like it was no time at all but yet that time still managed to become a barrier.

The more time that passed, the harder it became to write.

It’s not like I have had nothing to say, because I have, there have been many lessons learned, but I lost the ability to share. I lost my voice.

All of this has been due to a severe dip in my mental health, I haven’t been myself and I haven’t been able to talk about it. It’s odd because I KNOW I should have been talking about it but it is very hard to do that when you have no voice, or at least feel like you have no voice.

One of the key messages surrounding mental health is often something along the lines of reach out to others, there is always someone ready to listen, and that message is absolutely true. But, in our most overwhelming times when our mental health is on the floor, those are the times when we don’t feel like using our voices. I know I should talk about it, but I didn’t want to talk about it, living it is tough enough. I have been so tired from just managing my panic symptoms, I haven’t had the energy to explain what it feels like. Writing this, even now as I am coming out the other side, is hard. Being vulnerable when you are doing your best to be strong, is hard. Being honest, when people ask how you are is a challenge. The strength that comes from using your voice is not always readily available to you when you are focusing all of your efforts on dialling down your physical panic symptoms, or not screaming, and trying not to allow your emotions to be the driving force behind your decisions.

Also there is that underlying stigma, the stigma I have been focusing on challenging is the stigma I inflict on myself, yeah that’s a thing. I never recognised or acknowledged it before, but this recent episode of heightened anxiety and panic symptoms has highlighted that even I carry assumptions about mental health and I don’t show myself the kindness I should. I have learned so much about my panic disorder and I will share this on here at a later stage as I feel like the things I have learned should be taught to everyone, panic attacks are still so misrepresented in the mainstream media and as a sufferer that makes it hard. I have been on a train in full panic mode wondering if anyone will help me if it escalates, which makes it worse, we need to talk about this more and educate each other so I will use my voice for that

This post isn’t about anything at all really other than to say I am getting my voice back finally. I have been going through some things and I had to turn my attention elsewhere so that I could get myself back to where I need to be. I am still on a healing journey, and I know I always will be, but it was time to show myself some compassion and choose me for a little bit.

I want to sign this off by saying that mental health is like a rollercoaster, there are ups and downs and they are all perfectly normal. Using your voice when you are struggling is hard but it is also liberating. Asking for help or just letting people know that you’re not doing okay is brave. Sometimes we have to be brave before we can be vulnerable, and if you need to find the strength to be brave and reach out to someone just know that I am proud of you.