When a Heart Stops
*trigger warning, this blog references suicide and grief.
This blog is an important one in my opinion, but also one I was unsure about sharing, then I remembered who I am, why I am here, and decided to do as I would normally do and lead with my heart. That sometimes backfires on me, I hope that this isn’t one of those times, but it is also the most authentic version of me so we are going with it.
Around this time 14 years ago I received an official diagnosis of anxiety disorder.
Around 6 years ago I decided to start sharing my story and I wrote my first ever blog.
In 3 days time it is Christmas Eve.
In 3 days time it is one month since my beautiful friend decided that he didn’t want to live anymore.
The loss of my friend has been difficult for me to get my head around and I am grieving the loss of him in a way I have never felt before. I have had grief in my life and I have felt loss, but this just feels different. I have had an ache in my heart for days and I can’t seem to shake it off, it actually hurts.
You are probably wondering what this has to do with my anxiety, I am going to get to that point now.
6 years ago when I decided to write and share my experiences for the first time I did that with my heart, my soul purpose and goal of sharing my story was to help others who might feel a little bit like me. I wanted to show people that they aren’t alone and that even when life feels impossible you can make it.
Losing my friend has torn me up inside because there was nothing I could do. A person I would have given anything to help, is gone and I will always wish he called me that day. I will always wonder whether there might have been something I could have said that might have made him want to stay. I will always have a million things I want to say to him and I will always wish I could tell him that I loved him one last time. It is a lot to process and I am still processing it.
As I am sure you can imagine this caused me to question my purpose, if I couldn’t help him how could I help anyone? This is obviously a knee jerk reaction born out of grief and sadness but it has lingered around.
I spent an evening reading every message he ever sent me, listening to him laughing at my naivety after he sent me an inappropriate joke on voice notes, and looking at all the pictures I have. In one of those messages he told me he was proud of me, I know he was and I know he meant it, and now really is the time to keep making him proud.
I look at his picture every morning before I start my day and I wish him a beautiful day wherever he is and I have made a promise to him to keep making him proud.
Losing my friend to suicide has made me realise that it is time to use my voice, not lose it. It is not the time to stop leading with my heart, it is the time speak from it loudly and try to reach as many people I can. For the rest of my life this is my mission, whether that be helping someone rebuild their life with coaching or just holding someones hand when they need it. I will continue to show up in the world with empathy and a whole lot of heart to make sure that the messages around mental health are shouted from the rooftops. Mental health is no joke, it steals lives, it steals futures and it steals today.
If you are struggling reach out to someone, there is ALWAYS someone that will listen, there is ALWAYS someone who would rather sit and listen to you for hours, days, however long it takes, than never hear your voice again.
If you feel like someone in your life is withdrawing or behaving differently reach out to them, create a safe space of them to open up, withhold judgement and opinions, don’t play positives or diminish how they feel, listen, ask questions, or simply sit with them so they aren’t alone.
My friend was bold, beautiful, cheeky, super clever, brave, truly unique and a hole will always be left in my heart without him but I am carrying him with my wherever I go. 20 years of friendship was a gift and for that I am lucky.
If you are struggling you can reach out Samaritans for free on - 116123
