We Can Accept Change or We Can Make it Happen
I lost my friend.
The last time I shared anything on this site was the 11th January and my whole world looked very different then to what it does now. Different, in so many ways, none of which I could have foreseen and never would have guessed.
Losing my friend to suicide at the end of last year was a catalyst that sparked a chain of events in my life, all which needed to happen but I just didn’t know it yet. Maybe I hadn’t been brave enough until that point to even consider the fact that I needed to change things in my life. And that perhaps maybe I had changed, or needed to change. The loss of someone close is always a significant moment in the story of our lives but this particular loss was life changing for me in so many ways, and it will stay with me for a really long time. I still think about my friend everyday, I remember his words when he told me he was proud of me and ask myself am I still making him proud? I ask myself “What would Ollie say if I told him about this?,” There has been a lot I would have loved to tell him about this year. A lot he would have hugged me for. Even more he would have laughed at me for. A few high five moments in there as well. And I hope some things that would have made him proud.
After Ollie decided he couldn’t live anymore I went through so many thoughts and emotions. I spent three months crying at the thought that I have all these milestones in my life that I am yet to reach. Milestones I will no longer get to share, or see him achieve himself. And then it hit me. The best way I can honour my friend of 20 years is by living, really fucking living. Honestly, truthfully to myself and everyone else, as authentically as possible.
Really fucking living is scary, right?
When we decide to really live we have to confront all the parts of ourselves that we have been down playing. All the things that bother us but we don’t see as important enough to change because “they aren’t really that bad”. Yes things might not be that bad, but don’t you deserve them to be better than that? We tolerate so much because it feels more comfortable to do that than it does to do the opposite. Don’t you deserve things to be good at the very least? If not actually fucking exceptional? And I am not talking the superficial things either, I am talking about the real things that get us up in the morning, the relationships we have around us, the job we go to, the goals we have. Our memories come from feelings and experiences so isn’t it time to build a life filled with the feelings that promote the story we want to live?
I lost my friend.
So I started living. Really fucking living, its been scary but heres what I have learned:
The relationships we have in our lives should serve both parties in equal measure, if it doesn’t it isn’t right. It’s either time to be honest with the person so you can figure it out, or move on.
Big change often comes with huge doubts, trust your gut, follow your instincts they got you this far.
Spend your money and time on experiences, not things.
Change will always be scary, but it’s more scary when it’s happening to you, don’t let life enforce change, take control where you can.
You have control over how you allow life to make you feel, embrace all the emotions but don’t let them be your driving force.
Learn from others, ask all the questions, have the conversations. You don’t always have to give advice sometimes just listening is the best thing you can do.
It’s your life, you get to make the rules. People will always have opinions and the status quo will always be there but there is no law saying you have take either into account.
Love people really hard, especially those that maybe don’t seem like they need it. Quiet control doesn’t always equal strength and sometimes it’s the quiet people that need our love the most.
Do everything with the best intentions.
Always apologise when you are wrong.
Believe that there is hope in every new day, even if that hope is just about being able to make it through the day.
If you are struggling you can reach out Samaritans for free on - 116123
